Nightmares of nightmares...

Well, this morning I woke up as usual..and everything was fine till I was on my way to college....

I just realised that last night, I had the nightmare of all nightmares--

I dreamt that I was holding a dagger and attempting to kill someone I vaguely recognise, but could not identify who was the poor fellow. And I don't remember me having any reason to kill - I just went and stabbed him/her right in the chest.

I remember clearly, the wound wasn't deep - I did not drive the blade to the hilt. But there was bleeding, and I remember my dream-self being extremely psychologically disturbed after the act.

...scary right? X___X

Reading scientific journals makes my head spin @_@

As usual, I've been putting myself into huge piles of merde lately. Considering my, er, usual habits, it's not surprising.

In order to clear myself out of the biggest pile of merde that I'm in now, I am hereby slaving myself out in front of the web browser, staring at scientific journals, of which I am 99% unable to make head or toe out of. I'm already in a pile of deep merde and now I'm drowning in it. And no, I can't picture myself reaching my goal of completing this task...I'm sorry Mr. Haw, I don't see ay Cheese out there...

>_< I can't imagine the day I have to write one of these jargon-laced, mostly incomprehensible papers for my final thesis...

End. Back to work.

Peon of Warcraft III fame: "Work, work..."

Why...

- does my computer mouse's left button double click when it's supposed to click, and does not respond whenever I want it to?
- does my school wireless connection ban MapleStory? Or even Hotmail, for that matter... (O_O)
- is TmNut Green Snailyx so sloooowwww
- do I not dare to drive on my own despite wanting to get out there so badly?
- am I such a failure in socialising?
- am I so demotivated to do anything despite studying Human Motivation this term?
- am I crapping so much here when I have tons of projects to do...
- am I...

Oh well i realised this was total merde.

*scurries away searching for "New Cheese"*

Pre-Parents' Day

Oh la la...

Tomorrow's 3rd November. Also, Parents' Day.

Knowing well what I have done throughout this semester so far, I can imagine what sort of corpse would I turn out to be at the end of tomorrow. No, perhaps even tomorrow afternoon.

It's really pretty unnecessary, holding Parents' Days at times when we are almost stepping into young adulthood and leaving our late teens. I mean, we do have to learn to really take responsibility of our own progress (and thus not rely on others), right? However, I guess it's inevitable: parents still wanna know what's going on at school, and how's their precious little investment doing out there. Yes, investment; after all it does cost money, non? Thus, if I were to hide that notification letter to my parents about this event, eventually they'll just suspect something's not right...and well, being prime target of such suspicion will lead me to somewhere worse than Hell. I don't like to lie, but I don't like to suffer either.

So, I skived off all of today's lessons in a desperate bid to finish up my already-overdue-by-1-whole-week Personality assignment paper...and yet in the end I couldn't accomplish my task. Never mind that it's already half done. Sometimes I really wonder what the hell am I doing or thinking, procrastinating while my deathday is tomorrow.

Yeah, so undoubtedly I would be subject to some intense atomic-bomb-grade blasting tomorrow. And yes, definitely, much more restrictions, rules, and N number of important "tenets" I should keep in my head infinite percent of the time. (Oh, man, I really do HATE the very last part.)

They (hint: folks) say by being concerned of my studies, I would be a much better student. But well, at this age, you can't expect me to be the same cute, little, obedient child that I was during Primary school? Erikson says people of my age are undergoing an Identity Crisis, and as far as I can see, mine is definitely unresolved. Let me search for my personality, my identity alone. Gimme some private space; don't always go nosing around what I am doing. Really, sometimes I think you all go waaaayyy too much. Overprotective, overconcerned. I need to learn, and not be saved by your so-called concern every single time i am about to stumble. (I haven't stumbled, even.) I'm not the sort of person who can tolerate insane amounts of times being bossed around. When I tell you I'm fine, you leave everything up to me. But once I do something that you don't accept, you boss about my life like no tomorrow. C'est très ennuyeux...

Whatever the case, the reality is this: Tomorrow's Parents' Day.

J'espère que je vais survivre.

Bonne chance a moi...

Be warned, this is something unlike any you have ever seen before.

Well, I suppose you all know about that story likening teenagers to a bar of soap.

Grip it too tight, it slips away with force. Grip it just nice, it stays in your hands. Grip it too loose, it slowly falls away.

Well, if I were a bar of soap yesterday, I probably broke into a billion pieces.

And as I have feared, my parents have no intention of returning me my freedom. In fact, during a heated conversation yesterday night, when I was severely reprimanded for using my laptop to go online at 12 midnight in my bedroom, this happened:

They asked me to never use my laptop in my bedroom since now my house is WIFI-ified (what the...?? makes no sense at all). They mentioned that the Turkeysis is having a major exam soon and doesn't want me using the computer in the same place where she has to study, and suggested that I bring my laptop downstairs to the dining room to go online.

So I questioned, in the most calm manner I could manage at that time, I could do so in my room, away from my sister's eyes in the study area upstairs. Why not let me do so in my room?

And there came the reply:

"So that, we can...control what you're doing."

Well, If I had blogged about this incident right after it last night (which I couldn't due to the stupid "no-com-in-room" ban), you would probably see a post laced with profanity.

My parents don't trust me. I don't trust them, either. And I only give my best to those whom I trust.

My world has turned dark, ever since...

What that once filled my world - song, music, expressions of creativity - was no longer, ever since I returned to the "protection" of my "dear" parents. My voice, once audible on the many stages and public places I have dwelled in, or visited, could never be heard once more in this place I should be calling "home". I still listen to pop songs and music that I like, but gone are the days when I sang to myself, or shared whatever I was listening: I preferred to keep music unpolluted and sacred, not associated with whatever that was happening around me: for me I could sense none but a little light of hope from somewhere far away from where I was. And that light is dimming...

The house is quiet. For fear of unleashing their wrath by saying something wrong, that triggers the monster within them. After seeing M's rather innocent intention of correcting P's pronunciation of a certain famous company turn into an anger-filled quarrel several days ago in the car, it has only become more certain. And perhaps, conditioning has already took its place: those who speak against will be punished dearly. Reward and punishment; that's how things go.

There's a Chinese saying that goes: Ugly things in the household shall be kept within the four walls of the house, never to be spread. I have tried to keep to this; but now the pain in my heart is so strong, after the incident last night that let my thoughts race about once more. I have missed many chances to express myself; however, memory decays as time goes by, and I did not manage to do so in time.

And so concludes this really long post of the Fishball Hermit, who yearns for freedom and acceptance, and most of all - respect. And she hopes to find a real somewhere, to hide...

Updatessss

I'm supposed to rush my take-home quiz now...but well...

So far all things have been bright and goody for me..at least for now. If you don't count the usual periodic quarrels, conflicts...yadda yadda. Still struggling with my life from a relationship sort of aspect, but I guess it's normal...after all relationships take time to be well established. Otherwise, if you talk of academics...well, I can't complain anything about that, that's all I can say ;P

CNY is finally over...mid-terms have finally been over... (XP)...and I continue to slug off the rest of the semester...well more of slacking off actually. I dunno why...maybe SG's education system is really that stressful to the extent that I don't feel the humongous amount of stress that used to pile up on me every time I face examinations/tests/assignments/whatever. Or maybe the additional experience has helped...esp. in Chemistry and English. [heh heh heh]

Whatever the case, I still do hate doing 4 times PW in 3 months. ARRRRGH.

And yes, good news for me...and for many others as well, albeit slightly disappointing...

I'M RETURNING TO SINGAPORE!!

...well...but like, for only...at most...1 day..??

Think you all must be going O_O.

All thanks to the Phantom of the Opera, and some slight help from the Prophet Muhammad. (I'm not Muslim, by the way...-__-|||)

The 31st of March will be the Prophet's birthday (and also a public holiday in Malaysia), and well, Phantom is on a "strictly limited season" in Singapore...and me, being quite obsessed with all things Phantom, would never want to miss a chance to the the thing LIVE on stage. As the musical only runs till May 13th (season being already extended; it was supposed to end in April), I don't have school holidays until April (nor does it coincide with government school holidays in Singapore and Malaysia), and most importantly, the Turkeysister will be going mad if she does not get to watch it live as well...there comes the Prophet to the rescue.

And so, me and my sister will be somewhere in the Esplanade Theatre at 2pm on the 31st of March.

MWAHAHAHAHA....etc.

Can't believe I'm gonna watch a Broadway musical...LIVE. And the Phantom of the Opera, for that.

But it's quite sad that I can't stay longer due to school and soon-to-arrive final exam season, which is a season not to be jolly indeed...

Let's hope I'll be able to make it back during my April term break...maybe I can even share the agony of getting PW results with you guys...haha.